Chapter 1

 I am writing this at the very nadir of my life, as I write I am in a mental health hospital after strong thoughts of taking my life, thoughts that I still have not. I am writing this blog as a tool to document my recovery if I can recover.

I have secretly been battling depression for many years, mostly a secret to myself. Two years ago I admitted to myself, my family and a few friends that's I was struggling.

But I didn't know to what extent the depression had affected my whole life. I have self destructed areas of my life for years. Without wishing to be arrogant I am very intelligent, Mensa measured my IQ at 146-149, yet academically I have achieved nothing. I am smart enough to learn but the depression made me give up on my studies, become distracted too easily and fail and drop out.

I have tried to keep everything inside, not letting people know, as once someone else knows then what I am feeling is undeniably real, if I keep it inside then maybe I can fix it. Of course I can't, but that's the feeling I get when I should be sharing my problems.

I self medicate by eating, in 6 years I have put on 35kg going from very lean and strong to, still strong but carrying a lot of fat. Going from a 34" waist to 40" waist.

I also spend money, nothing sinister, no addictions, just overspending. Buying things to make me feel better if for only a little bit.

This has meant I have found myself in persistent debt, a viscous cycle, the debt makes the depression worse, I spend to make myself feel better, making the debt worse.

The debt had affected my credit rating, which has caused real difficulties to my wife and child. Putting our future in jeopardy. This was the final thing that pushed be into suicidal thoughts.

I lied, lied, and kept lying to everyone about my depression and money issues. I don't want to lie,I don't want to break anybody's trust, but I felt I couldn't let alone else know. I thought I could fix everything.

I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to be happy, I want to be good with money, I want to be healthy and I want to be a good husband and father.

This blog will document my journey from the bottom, to dealing with my depression openly and getting help, becoming financially independent and losing weight. Becoming the person I have the ability to be. If I don't then I fear my journey will end with death.